Every time I'm at the supermarket I see Hayley Williams' Cosmo cover and wonder if I should pick up a copy - perhaps telling the check-out clerk, "It's for my sister". I coould care less about their oddly sensationalized sexual advice - but that cover is way hot! Thankfully the power of the internet not only lets me find crappy photoshop'd nudes of Ms. Williams, but also that insanely hot pic on Cosmo's cover.
The whacky headlines on the cover got me thinking what sort of "first date" would impress a girl who fronts a Hella-cool band like Paramore? You can't roll with a dinner and a movie motif and that Pinto you got off eBay won't impress.
Knowing I'll never date a cute redhead like Hayley Williams led me to wonder if any vehicle from the 8-bit world of the Atari 2600 would impress an attractive female rock star.
See how the mind can make these gratuitous leaps... :)
Retro Gaming Hypothesis
Guys suffer the delusion that women are impressed with cars. Short of owning a Ferrari, this is likely untrue, however guys will be guys and we hypothesize that a vehicle with great amenities and visual splendor might make a positive impression on a first date with Paramore's Hayley Williams.
Retro Gaming Analysis
Unfortunately we decided to choose said vehicle from the digital vault of Atari's 2600 game console.
Street Racer car - A race car is ordinarily an impressive vehicle, but we discovered the visual appeal of these race cars were pretty sub-par when trying to impress a date. Even though is can dodge other cars with ease and navigate a deft slalom course, it's blocky structure and barren appearance will make the ladies bolt.
Night Driver car - Next we thought a car masked in darkness might do the trick. Hugging the curves at high speed sounded good, but the car's amenities were designed for the streets not the ladies. Besides the car in front of us was far more impressive than our blocky ride. Dammit!
Fatal Run car - Determined to find a race car full of wondrous amenities and visual glory, we gave the Fatal Run car a shot. Date ended promptly. No dice.
Bump 'N Jump car - What's not to like about a car that can bump & jump- great amenity. A closer loot at this rickety car made us think Hayley would run at the first opportunity.
Gran Prix race car - Grand Prix has that Euro-chic sound of fast sexy cars risking death to capture the checkered flag. High speed. Excellent handling. Sounds good - looks crappy.
Indy 500 race car - Upon examining what Atari claimed was an Indy car, we knew right off that our date would be short upon showing up in a car made of 10 pixels.
Spy Hunter weapons van - How about a van? It's roomy and practical but vans are typically driven by creepy serial killer looking guys and no one likes those pimped out shag-carpet numbers from the 70s. this van doesn't look like an insect, right?
Chopper Command helicopter - Maybe we were going about this in the wrong way. A private helicopter has to send the right message, but this one from Chopper Command doesn't look as if it would safely deliver 2 people anywhere.
Joust Osterich - Animals? Walking a puppy in the park seems to bring out the ladies. Who could pass up a flying Osterich. Not the mode of choice for a date, but pretty impressive all the same!
Moon Patrol Lunar Buggy - Dual laser cannons, anti gravity jumping, awesome off-road handling. This could be the one that makes Hayley melt...
Classic Retro Gaming Conclusion
Game developers in the 80s didn't really know how to turn small blocks into something resembling a formidable Vehicle. Most of these crafts, while well stocked with weaponry, lacked the amenities and visual style to impress Hayley Willimas on a date. Moon Patrol's lunar buggy is the closest thing to a functional vehicle and would be the ride of choice for endearing myself to crafty red-headed female rockers, like Hayley Williams. An it kind of looks like a Max ATV.
